When attempting to resolve conflicts like this you need to consider what areas of your life are impacted and what the priority of those areas are. Personally, I put myself first, then my family, then work, and then everything else. If you think that sounds selfish, consider the classic example of the instructions the airline gives when discussing the oxygen masks. You need to put your own mask on first before helping others with their masks because you can’t help anyone if you can’t breath. Similar concept here when it comes to taking care of needs. If your own needs are not met, how can you possibly meet the needs of others?

Here’s where it gets interesting. Based on the above reasoning, you could say that it’s more important that you take care of yourself by transitioning into a fulfilling career even if it means risking the well-being of your family. After all, didn’t I just say that you should put yourself first? And doesn’t that imply that your well-being takes priority over your family’s well-being? Well, you could use that reasoning and I suspect many success-driven folks do indeed follow that line of thinking. For example, while watching the premiere episode of Shark Tank the other day, one of the entrepreneurs admitted that he’d mortgaged his home twice, spent his retirement money and kids’ college funds and had nothing left to invest; in essence, he put his well-being ahead of his family’s. One of the “sharks” responded with the admonishment that you need to take care of your family first regardless of your business aspirations.

So, the question becomes how do you balance responsibilities against needs? We’ve established that a typical chain of responsibility should be Self > Family > Work > Everything Else (if God is a part of your life then the chain is God > Self > Family > Work > Church > Everything Else). When considering needs, I find Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs to be a good model to work from. Basically, needs at the bottom of the hierarchy should be fulfilled before working on the next level up. The needs from bottom to top are Physiological > Safety > Social > Esteem > Self-Actualization.

Mapping responsibilities against needs results in a fairly straighforward method of determining which is more important. For each need in Maslow’s hierarchy, you should cover off each area of responsibility before moving up the hierarchy to the next need. So, in the case of pursuing a more fulfilling job vs the well-being of your family it becomes clear that your family comes first since Safety in all areas is more important than your personal Social/Esteem needs.

I am certain there are numerous criticisms possible of both Maslow’s hierarchy and the chain of responsibility outlined but I believe it’s important to have some sort of relatively objective framework. There are also gray areas in this model. A big one that comes to mind for me is friends. Where do they fit in? Life is messy and objectively compartmentalizing all aspects of your life may be difficult and/or inappropriate. Ultimately, you need to consider your choices and do what you feel  is best. Models like this merely provide some food for thought.

- Dave

Growing up, my dad was not around much. He was self-employed and trying to make his “fortune” in one failed venture after another. He typically worked 12-16 hour days interspersed with weeks on the road where he wasn’t home at all. When he was around, he was busy doing upkeep on the house or working on his latest business. As such, he didn’t spend much time with me and by the age of 11, I figured he wouldn’t notice/care if I wasn’t around so I ran away from home. I was gone for three days before the clerk at the local 7-11 ratted me out and my dad came and brought me back home. Thankfully, that was the wakeup call he needed and our entire relationship changed. After that we spent more time together and the rest of my teen years produced many fond memories of late night card games and “talks” about everything a teenage boy could possibly want to know.

In my grade 12 year, my dad became rather ill and nearly died. Luckily, his sister came and practically dragged him to the hospital so he survived (minus some body parts and with a lifetime “condition”). Once again, he had an awakening and now our conversations became more serious. We learned to talk openly and honestly to each other although we now found ourselves drifting apart somewhat as I attempted to make my way in the world.

Over the years, our relationship had it’s ups and downs (as any relationship is bound to) but we stayed pretty close. His health declined slowly and he became more and more dependent on me. Unfortunately, with a young family of my own, his demands conflicted with the demands of my family and caused much stress for both of us. We had some unforgettable blowouts but through it all we managed to hold on to our love for one another and kept the lines of communication open (for the most part).

On the fateful day when he called me at 4am to ask if I could “drop by” before work to pick him up because he’d fallen and been lying on the floor, unable to move, for two days, we were already out of time. There would be no last minute reconciliation. No chance to make amends for past wrongs. No opportunity for him to pass on some final words of wisdom. No tear-jerking heart-to-heart conversation where I’d pour my heart out over all the bad things I said and did and thought while I was growing up. Nothing.

Thankfully, in addition to our unforgettable blowouts, we’d also had that last minute reconciliation. We’d made amends for past wrongs and talked heart-to-heart about anything and everything. He’d passed on the wisdom of his many years and experiences and there was nothing left unsaid. If I had the chance to tell him just one more thing, it would be a simple “I love you” and even that wouldn’t really be necessary.

So, if there’s any sort of ill will between you and your father. If you haven’t spoken to him in a week, a month, a year. If there’s things you’d like to say but just didn’t feel the time was right. Now is the time to do it. If you leave it too long, you may never get the chance. Just pick up the phone and call him. Or write him a letter. Find some way to connect. And while you’re at it, if you haven’t forgiven him yet for all the bad things that happened (and every one of has bad things that happened), now is the time to do that too. Although I don’t personally know what’s it like, I’m certain that missing the chance to make things right must really hurt. Don’t hurt yourself!

- Dave

Anyway, there are two things that really have me considering home schooling now. One of the major benefits I see to public schools is the social opportunities provided. The kids get a chance to interact with other children and that’s important. I was talking with my wife about home schooling and she mentioned that she heard of someone who was home schooling but had their children go to a public school for gym class. I had never considered the possibility of something like that. I had always figured it was an all or nothing situation. The opportunity to have the social interaction AND a quality education is looking more doable.

The other thing that has held me back from home schooling is, of course, finances. My wife and I both work and the way we currently have our finances structured, neither of us can stop working for an extended period. We’ve recently adjusted our expense structure and budget and should have a lot more freedom within a few years but that’s a long time to wait. As I’ve mentioned previously, I am actively working towards wealth now. This situation emphasizes for me that wealth is about more than just money. Wealth is about freedom and the ability to make choices. I saved an affirmation from somewhere (I don’t recall where I first heard it) that really sums it up for me:

I never want to have to make a bad decision because of money.

I honestly believe that keeping my kids in public school is a bad decision when compared against the benefits of home schooling. There are plenty of resources available to assist in home schooling. In fact, I was quite surprised by the level of support provided by the provincial government. They appear to have a department and personnel committed to supporting the home school initiative and offer plenty of material. Their website has good information. There’s also a variety of local support groups.

So now I have even more incentive to build wealth. In the past I considered wealth not really important. My dad was very focused on building wealth and my childhood suffered for it. Unfortunately, he also wasn’t very good at it so not only was he too busy working to spend time with me, but he left no legacy to justify it. Things changed while I was still a kid but, the point is, I’ve never considered wealth to be a priority. Obviously that attitude is changing and opportunities, like home schooling, really help. I’ve been slacking lately but I should be back on track shortly. I’ll post about that a little later.

- Dave